He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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