I look better un-naked...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
