Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
