Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
