So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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