some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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