I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
