I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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