Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
