it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
