Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
