So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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