I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
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It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
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Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.