Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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