well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
