Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
