I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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