porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
