girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
