Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
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And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
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You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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