I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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