so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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