Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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