I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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