The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
