I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
