I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
