His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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