Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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