I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
