I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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