don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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