The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
