so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
