If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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