I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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