I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That accounts for only three of the penises
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
