I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
