Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
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I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
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Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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