I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
