I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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