I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
