I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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