from now on my penis is your penis
I met the friendliest cop last night
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
