I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
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