i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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