Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
