I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
