You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
