They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
