im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
