I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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