Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
