i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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