Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
