OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
